Reprinted from The Undertaker’s now defunct Examiner.com column. Originally written in 2013, all mandates still apply.
Way back in the golden era of metal,
better known as 1983-1989, metal was categorically male, often times
like a de facto gang that encouraged competition, survival of
the fittest, and the banishment of those who couldn’t keep up. These
undesirables were branded as wimps and posers, and, per Manowar’s
edict, they were required to leave the hall.
better known as 1983-1989, metal was categorically male, often times
like a de facto gang that encouraged competition, survival of
the fittest, and the banishment of those who couldn’t keep up. These
undesirables were branded as wimps and posers, and, per Manowar’s
edict, they were required to leave the hall.
Over twenty years later, the American
underground is full of these same outcasts, They still can’t hack it,
but now they try to cover up by satirizing proven models with
ridiculous style mash-ups and plenty of smoke and mirrors. They also
spend a lot of time making fun of the aggressive overtones of the
bands that allowed them to have a genre to dilute in the first place.
underground is full of these same outcasts, They still can’t hack it,
but now they try to cover up by satirizing proven models with
ridiculous style mash-ups and plenty of smoke and mirrors. They also
spend a lot of time making fun of the aggressive overtones of the
bands that allowed them to have a genre to dilute in the first place.
Many of the “best metal albums”
lists out there reveal the sad truth; the wimps and posers have
infiltrated in a big way, mainly because the rest of us forgot the
rules of engagement. It’s not too late to reclaim our former glory,
so here are ten manly songs to blast while you do pushups and sharpen
your blades. And if you think this article is for meatheads, then
you’re part of the problem!
lists out there reveal the sad truth; the wimps and posers have
infiltrated in a big way, mainly because the rest of us forgot the
rules of engagement. It’s not too late to reclaim our former glory,
so here are ten manly songs to blast while you do pushups and sharpen
your blades. And if you think this article is for meatheads, then
you’re part of the problem!
1) Nasty Savage,
“Metal Knights” (from Nasty
Savage, 1985),
“Too many rockers, posers, and fools/Must have fun,
to break all their bones” –
Straddling traditional heavy metal and speed metal (and helping to
invent the latter in the process), Nasty Savage remain
underappreciated for setting new standards of brutality in the
underground. The war for metal was in in full swing by the mid-80s,
and at the time it was hair bands, not hipsters, who threatened the
scene. Nasty Ronnie and company were quite outspoken about violence
against the false, and woe to those who didn’t heed the warning.
Brawn and blood-letting were the band’s signatures, a far cry from
most of the self-proclaimed “brutal” bands of today.
2)
Voivod,
“F–k Off and Die” (from Rrröööaaarrr,
1986), “So if you’re a
loser or just a f–kin’ wimp/F–k off and die!” – Some
readers may not remember the days when Voivod wore leather, spikes,
and gasmasks while performing this song about going bananas for metal
and kicking weekenders to the curb. Over time, the band gave way to
something brainier and more genteel, but their roots remain in the
crusades against poserdom.
Voivod,
“F–k Off and Die” (from Rrröööaaarrr,
1986), “So if you’re a
loser or just a f–kin’ wimp/F–k off and die!” – Some
readers may not remember the days when Voivod wore leather, spikes,
and gasmasks while performing this song about going bananas for metal
and kicking weekenders to the curb. Over time, the band gave way to
something brainier and more genteel, but their roots remain in the
crusades against poserdom.
3)
Sadus,
“Torture” (from Illusions
aka
Chemical Exposure,
1988), “We need D.T.P./Death to posers is what
I mean” – Sadus is still fondly remembered for pushing the envelope
of ferocity as speed metal began its terrifying transformation into
death metal. They’re also noteworthy for writing this classic track
about poser abolishment. “DTP” was the order of the day when
Sadus ruled the roost, but there’s no reason it can’t be invoked in
present tense.
Sadus,
“Torture” (from Illusions
aka
Chemical Exposure,
1988), “We need D.T.P./Death to posers is what
I mean” – Sadus is still fondly remembered for pushing the envelope
of ferocity as speed metal began its terrifying transformation into
death metal. They’re also noteworthy for writing this classic track
about poser abolishment. “DTP” was the order of the day when
Sadus ruled the roost, but there’s no reason it can’t be invoked in
present tense.
4)
Exodus,
“Metal Command” (from Bonded
by Blood, 1985),
“There will be no survivors, no prisoners of
war/Join our ranks or perish” – Exodus and their linebacker
frontman Paul Baloff were as fanatically anti-poser as a band could
ever be without resorting to suicide bombs and plane hijackings. In
lieu of a fan club, they had the Slay Team, which was basically a
roving gang of hardliner metalheads who never missed an opportunity
to brutally beat anyone with a Ratt shirt or an Aqua Net hairdo.
Baloff died an untimely death in 2002, but you can bet these days
he’d be gunning for the bands with the snappy haircuts and pink album
covers.
Exodus,
“Metal Command” (from Bonded
by Blood, 1985),
“There will be no survivors, no prisoners of
war/Join our ranks or perish” – Exodus and their linebacker
frontman Paul Baloff were as fanatically anti-poser as a band could
ever be without resorting to suicide bombs and plane hijackings. In
lieu of a fan club, they had the Slay Team, which was basically a
roving gang of hardliner metalheads who never missed an opportunity
to brutally beat anyone with a Ratt shirt or an Aqua Net hairdo.
Baloff died an untimely death in 2002, but you can bet these days
he’d be gunning for the bands with the snappy haircuts and pink album
covers.
5)
Destroyer 666, “Australian and Anti-christ” (from Unchain
the Wolves, 1997), “Black
hearted demons fight the metal fight/Raging from Hades in leather and
spikes/Australian and
Anti-Christ” – While there’s no specific mention of wimp
termination here, this signature track from Destroyer 666 is hipster
Kryptonite. It’s uncompromising beer-fueled aggression from a nation
whose people might as well have been produced at a steel mill. The
“posers out” message is implicit, because in Destroyer 666’s
world, folks like that go under their tank treads without a second
thought.
Destroyer 666, “Australian and Anti-christ” (from Unchain
the Wolves, 1997), “Black
hearted demons fight the metal fight/Raging from Hades in leather and
spikes/Australian and
Anti-Christ” – While there’s no specific mention of wimp
termination here, this signature track from Destroyer 666 is hipster
Kryptonite. It’s uncompromising beer-fueled aggression from a nation
whose people might as well have been produced at a steel mill. The
“posers out” message is implicit, because in Destroyer 666’s
world, folks like that go under their tank treads without a second
thought.
6)
Razor,
“Taste
the Floor” (from Violent
Restitution,
1988), “Music magazines with fags on the front/they
dress like women, their message is blunt”- Razor specialized in
songs about criminal behavior and brutal beatings, so it’s not hard
to imagine that hair band posers were on their radar. “Taste the
Floor” is about how to do metal right while punishing those who do
it wrong with a chainsaw. Those were the days…
Razor,
“Taste
the Floor” (from Violent
Restitution,
1988), “Music magazines with fags on the front/they
dress like women, their message is blunt”- Razor specialized in
songs about criminal behavior and brutal beatings, so it’s not hard
to imagine that hair band posers were on their radar. “Taste the
Floor” is about how to do metal right while punishing those who do
it wrong with a chainsaw. Those were the days…
7) Macabre, “Slaughter Thy
Poser” (from Behind the Wall of Sleep,
1994), “His head in a vice, it would be very nice/All posers
will die by our hands.” Pretty much a no-frills ditty on the
subject. The Chicago gore-merchants detail all the things they’d like
to do to posers in their typical grotesquely funny fashion. This may
not be the last word on the matter, but there’s no mistaking the
message.
Poser” (from Behind the Wall of Sleep,
1994), “His head in a vice, it would be very nice/All posers
will die by our hands.” Pretty much a no-frills ditty on the
subject. The Chicago gore-merchants detail all the things they’d like
to do to posers in their typical grotesquely funny fashion. This may
not be the last word on the matter, but there’s no mistaking the
message.
8) Piledriver, “Metal
Inquisition” (from Metal Inquisition,
1985), “So if you’re in a disco or in a country bar/You
better get the hell out, we know who you are” – Piledriver is an
almost meta proposition considering they were effectively a joke band
that time and nostalgia turned into an institution, which turned out
fine because they were actually pretty good. Their over-the-top
message proved to be just a more unabashed take on what everyone was
already thinking – join metal or die!
Inquisition” (from Metal Inquisition,
1985), “So if you’re in a disco or in a country bar/You
better get the hell out, we know who you are” – Piledriver is an
almost meta proposition considering they were effectively a joke band
that time and nostalgia turned into an institution, which turned out
fine because they were actually pretty good. Their over-the-top
message proved to be just a more unabashed take on what everyone was
already thinking – join metal or die!
9)
Gehennah, “Beat That Poser Down”, (from Decibel
Rebel, 1997), “A
poser’s personality won’t wash away with soap/Beat him!/You have to
hurt him really good, then there might be some hope” – Here’s a
relatively late-model entry that goes for the throat in a big way.
Gehennah get right to the point and explain why scene parasites are
irredeemable and must be addressed with harsh impunity. This could
easily be the anthem for new-wave Slay Team or two.
Gehennah, “Beat That Poser Down”, (from Decibel
Rebel, 1997), “A
poser’s personality won’t wash away with soap/Beat him!/You have to
hurt him really good, then there might be some hope” – Here’s a
relatively late-model entry that goes for the throat in a big way.
Gehennah get right to the point and explain why scene parasites are
irredeemable and must be addressed with harsh impunity. This could
easily be the anthem for new-wave Slay Team or two.
10)
Manowar,
“Metal Warriors”, (from The
Triumph of Steel,
1992), “Heavy metal or no metal at all/ Wimps and
posers leave the hall” – Given the sound and content of this, the
quintessential anti-poser anthem, you’d think it would have been
written about 10 years earlier. It just goes to show that this
sentiment has no shelf life, and that Manowar isn’t big on variation
besides. With its endlessly chantable chorus and square-jawed camp
value, the intractable message of “Metal Warriors” may seem
quaint in this era of snark and cynicism, but to the dedicated
metallion it’s an undeniable battle hymn.
Manowar,
“Metal Warriors”, (from The
Triumph of Steel,
1992), “Heavy metal or no metal at all/ Wimps and
posers leave the hall” – Given the sound and content of this, the
quintessential anti-poser anthem, you’d think it would have been
written about 10 years earlier. It just goes to show that this
sentiment has no shelf life, and that Manowar isn’t big on variation
besides. With its endlessly chantable chorus and square-jawed camp
value, the intractable message of “Metal Warriors” may seem
quaint in this era of snark and cynicism, but to the dedicated
metallion it’s an undeniable battle hymn.